"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
--Kim Jong-un, as told to Jack Handy.
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
--Arnold Schwarzenegger, as told to Jack Handy.
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."
--Rick Perry, as told to Jack Handy.
"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward."
--Donald Trump, as told to Jack Handy.
"It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire."
--Pope Francis, as told to Jack Handy.
"Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet."
--Dick Cheney, as told to Jack Handy.
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
--Matthew McConaughey, as told to Jack Handy.
"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.' "
--Billy Bob Thornton, as told to Jack Handy.
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
--Hillary Clinton, as told to Jack Handy.
"Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer."
--Martha Stewart, as told to Jack Handy.
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.' "
--Miley Cyrus, as told to Jack Handy.
"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."
--J.K. Rowling, as told to Jack Handy
"I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death."
--Bill Clinton, as told to Jack Handy.
"It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."
--Bear Grylls, as told to Jack Handy
"If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it?"
--Stephen Hawking, as told to Jack Handy
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
--Kevin Funnell as told to Jack Handy.